real life

Tattoos, Mothers, and Twitter

My friend and I were talking about tattoos. We both want one, but what if our mothers find out? We may not fear God, but we both fear the wrath of our mothers. My mother keeps me more grounded than religion ever could. There are some decisions I don’t dare to make because of my mother, such as permanently inking my skin. There’s also the issue of marriage. It’s not that I don’t want to get married, because I do. But how much of that wanting to get married is because I personally want to, or because my mother wants me to?

She asked me what kind of tattoo I want to get. For a while now, I’ve wanted to ink the sentence “the enemy’s gate is down” from Ender’s Game across my collar bones. I imagine it will hurt badly, so let’s reconsider the placement of the tattoo later. Not to mention it would be very big and visible there. But I want those words on my skin. It’ll be an homage to my favorite book. It’ll also be a reminder of optimism, strategy, and victory.

All of a sudden, I thought of another tattoo I want to get. A tesseract tattoo. Or ‘warping’ for Trekkies. Check this out:

An excerpt from Madeleine L'Engle's "A Wrinkle in Time" regarding tesseract.

An excerpt from Madeleine L’Engle’s “A Wrinkle in Time” regarding tesseract.

I want a tattoo of an ant, tesseracting from my forearm to my bicep. The tattoo won’t have to be big. I can have a small ant on top of a thin line or a small dot on my forearm. Then the end of the line or the other small dot would be on my bicep. To show the ant tesseracting, I just have to fold my arm and voila! Damn it, now I want that tattoo badly.

It’ll be another homage to my favorite book ♥ and at the same time, it’ll say a lot about me, summarized in a group of tiny pictures. It’ll tell my love for SFF, my muse of and neverending hope in science, and my faith that we’ll travel the stars one day. That we will reach far beyond our eyes can see. It’ll be great to pair it up with the Ender’s Game tattoo.

As for my friend, she wants a tattoo of a cage and a bird. I joked about it being a bird out of its cage and she got mad lol the interesting part is, she wants a silhoutte of a bird as a symbol for many things. I didn’t expect one of them to be Twitter.

I think all millenials would agree that Twitter has not only changed our lives, but it has become a part of our lives. I can’t imagine not having a Twitter. I have retired most of my Twitter accounts, but I don’t delete them. Twitter is a part of my identity, and it’s one of my streams of self-expression. It doesn’t show a full picture of me, but it still shows a lot. It is there where I make and interact with a lot of friends. It’s my number one source of lightning news update. It’s a constant pool of discussion and debates. And you get to share your piece with the rest of the world, through different communities. Twitter is a social magic. It is how we connect these days. It also serves as a micro diary as well as a personal announcement platform. Out of all of my social media accounts, Twitter is the only one I have consistently maintained. It’s not an overstatement to say that it has shaped me into the person I am today, and I believe I’ll still be using it in decades to come.

My future biographer would have a hell lot of material from my Twitter alone.

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Recent Development: Cooking

Are you still reading this? I haven’t stopped recording my days. But I’m getting more and more private every day. Sometimes I google myself and freak out at the search results. I prefer to write on paper, locked diaries. It’s safer. The things I think about are mostly no longer appropriate for public consumption. Or maybe they never have been, I just sucked so hard at discretion.

I have one major decision to make this year. Actually, I already made the decision, I just haven’t executed it yet. There’s some preparation I need to do first. One of such preparation is to save as much money as I can. It led me to another major decision. It’s major because I’m forced to break a habit and learn a new one. Stop dining out and start cooking.

My first attempt at fried sambal. I failed because I don’t have an ulekan. I turned it into spice for the chicken instead.


Boy, how I overspent in my first grocery shopping ever. I purchased big batch of raw food and ended up eating only half. Surprisingly, I didn’t struggle so much with the cooking. I admit I’ve only been cooking simple stuff. But it’s been more than a month in which I feed myself, and it feels like such an achievement!

I was so proud because it looked like the mashed potato I eat in pro restaurants.


Funny thing is I never thought cooking would help me to discover new things about myself. 1) I’m really good at following instruction. I was nervous in the beginning. What if everything I cook turns to shit and isn’t edible? What if I suddenly lose my literacy and cannot read the recipe? But I survived. I’m very good in interpreting the recipe and it’s enough to help me cook out something all right.

The first dish I made. Chicken curry, with a little bit of spinach, and brown rice. I’ve grown to be more confidence in improvising my recipes since the day this dish was made.


2) I dare to improvise. I dare to replace an ingredient with substitutes or other food I prefer. I even dare to cook something without a recipe. Just put everything into the pan based on what I think I know about each ingredient. And 3) it’s not as hard as I expected it would be. I put too much pressure on myself. I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find I enjoy cooking.

Granted, I have only cooked for myself, so there’s no urgency to cook something nice for others. But last weekend I made up something for me and Rara and she said it was nice! Thank you so much for validating my new found skill, Rara.

I’ve been experimenting with chicken. Such an easy meat to process. I intend to tackle beef and salmon once I’m done with chicken. I also want to try baking. Many recipes I find require baking and it looks simple enough. I’ve found some sellers of mini ovens, but no one sells mini baking trays! I gotta look for the latter. I can imagine all the pastry I’m gonna go crazy with.

You might wonder how much I’ve been saving since I’ve started cooking. During the past month, I have saved 50% of my usual food budget. It also helps that I don’t eat that much. I should have started this last year so I could save more. If only I wasn’t so scared of cooking.

Forgive me for the food pictures. Not much of a looker, but I swear they’re edible. Other than cooking, there are also other new developments in my life. Each topic deserves its own post. Sometimes posting an entry here feels like talking to myself, but somehow there’s always one or two of you who tell me that you always drop by and I feel bad (a bit) for not updating anything haha so this post and the next ones are for you. ❤️

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160102 Super Junior KRY’s “Phonograph” in Jakarta

I gotta say it. This is the best SM concert I’ve ever seen. The size of the concert is modest for Super Junior’s standard. The stage was quite small. The audience was close to the stage. Mecimapro has built a good, high, and neat tribune, better than their previous concerts.

The concert concept was also simple. SJ KRY falling in love, getting their heart broken, and found solace in vynils on phonographs. In the beginning it was such a melancholia, Korean drama style, so much screaming from secondhand embarrassment coming out of me. But in the end, the overall was good.

The stage design is VERY romantic. There were floating lights, creating all kinds of shapes and constellation. The backdrops were romantic as well. Stars, aurora, smoke, lighthouse, flying petals, waterfall. There was some beautiful mapping projected on KRY’s pedestals. It was a really great visual. Then the lighting during Heartquake omg the lights created this stop motion effect on KRY, it was almost trippy. At the end of the concert, KRY disappeared down the stage, and a phonograph replaced them. Beauuuutiful.

And the whole 2,5-hour concert was live! With a live band! There was more music than fanservice. I love it because it wasn’t strictly choreographed and KRY were just focused on singing. The result was adlibs galore. There was even live string performance for one of their songs! I’m sorry they didn’t do anything special with their arrangement though. They could have done anything.

I mostly know KRY’s old songs, but they sang my favorites ❤️ Han Sarammaneul, Heartquake, and For U. I wished they’d sing Zephyr of the West Wind :( But KRY and Leeteuk sang Our Love! Favorite fanchant ever ❤️❤️❤️❤️ that song and the fanchant always created an intimacy between SJ and ELF, even when only four members were singing it. Too bad they didn’t sing Sorry Sorry.

Leeteuk sang solo. I was too distracted by his flawless skin to notice the song. He was hitting these high notes, his neck turned red, but his face stayed perfectly flawless and white. LOL I’d like to know what BB Cream they put on him. He also wore this pretty sequin (?) jacket, the others kept making jokes about how bright he looked today. But I want that jacket! It’s perfect! And of course, with Leeteuk there, he immediately became the MC and clown of the show. The four of them goofed around the way they always did and we had so much laughter. 😂 They all tried their best to speak Indonesian, especially Ryeowook! He even wrote this long letter for us in Indonesian! And he was almost accentless! He was basically saying goodbye before enlisting for the army. Then he sang Noah’s “Separuh Aku” and Bebi Romeo’s “Bunga Terakhir”. Ryeowook was so cute omg I want to put him in my pocket! Yesung who?

Look at this family picture ❤️

 
And now, other aspects of the concert. The crowd control was great! They hired different FOH from Big Bang’s concert, and this one was much stricter. You really cannot joke around with them. They checked your everything and they told you a firm no when you’re not allowed to do something. They actually called on people using pro cameras. Unfortunately, there was no policy on smartphones, so it was quite annoying when people raised their arms high to record the show. But the most curious thing was, ELF was being orderly. I honestly expected them to stand on their seats, but they didn’t. The ones who did stand up was quickly reprimanded by the security. The queueing lines were neat too. There was no bottleneck among the lines for tickets, merchandise, and entrance. I wonder if Mecimapro can keep this up for their next bigger concerts. Despite what happened in Big Bang’s concert, it was obvious Mecimapro has learned from their mistakes, because so far their last two concerts were orderly. But I admit they were small concerts.
I think this concert was a success. Minimum disaster too. There was some issues from us, FanTix, but we dealt and learned from it. I’m still sorry to those people at the end of our issue, we really are. We have a lot of homework for the next concert in order to make sure our mistakes don’t happen again. As for the rest, well, ELF are still demanding as always. I have learned to ignore their unnecessary requests. ✌️

See you at the next concert!

FanTix signing off!

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I want to write a book. I’m going to call it A Month of Being in Love, Another Month of Moving On. I didn’t expect knowing yourself would yield this kind of result. Nowadays I make decisions faster than ever. That’s how certain I am of myself.

It didn’t take long to conclude that I was in love. It took even less time to accept that he broke my heart, he’s not coming back, and I can do better. Hanging out and talking with other people helped a lot in this case. Perspective: the quickest way to carry on. I don’t even feel like I have to pick up the pieces of my heart anymore. There’s nothing to sweep off the floor. I tried. I failed. And it’s ok. If only I was this sure of myself all those years ago, high school would have been much easier.

When I remember how swamped I am at work, it feels petty to think of relationships. But the truth is, my career is fine. I’m already heading to where I want to be. I’m on the right track and I know I’ll get there. But as my roommate says it’s unfortunate that I don’t have the same conviction when it comes to relationships. I tend to think I’ll never be good enough.

It’s time to break the cycle. Thanks for making me see that.

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I broke my cigarette break. Ha. The irony. I only lasted 12 days. I didn’t have a fucking ounce of care yesterday, so let’s smoke the night away.

But today I’m starting again.

I also took a yoga class yesterday. My body stretched and stretched, let it sweat. Give me endorphins so I can stop being anxious. Didn’t work. I cried anyways. But at least I became tired enough to have a dreamless sleep until I had to go to work again.

And today I’m feeling much better.

My default reaction is still anger whenever I hear his name, but my mind is clearer now. It’s a new day.

The girl who went to sleep last night is not the girl who woke up this morning.

This is goodbye then.

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