Don’t Change For Me

Don't change for me. Change for yourself. It's not because I care about you. I'm protecting myself. I don't want you to hold me accountable for your own choices. Especially when I haven't asked you to change. I don't want you to change things about you because you think I want you to. You'll only resent me for it sooner or later. Change yourself because you want to. Don't change for me.

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Tuhan Yang Maha Segalanya

Jika Tuhan adalah Maha Segalanya
Maka Ia Maha Penyayang
Juga Maha Pembenci
Maka Ia Maha Pemaaf
Juga Maha Pendendam
Maka Ia Maha Ikhlas
Juga Maha Dengki
Maka Ia Maha Tertib
Juga Maha Anarkis
Maka Ia Maha Mendengar
Juga Maha Tuli
Maka Ia Maha Mengetahui
Juga Maha Tak Acuh
Maka Ia Maha Agung
Juga Maha Hina
Maka Ia Maha Kuasa
Juga Maha Jelata
Maka Ia Maha Pencipta
Juga Maha Pemusnah

Bukan menduakan, hanya logika
Lahir dari premis dan analogi
Yang konon diciptakan oleh-Nya

Dulu mendengar Tuhan, kamu nabi
Kini mendengar Tuhan, kamu gila
Maka siapalah kamu menghitung dosa dan pahala
Ketika Tuhan saja Maha Diam Seribu Bahasa

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Have you ever loved someone so much you hate him? You hate him because you worry all the time. You hate him for putting you through all this time-consuming, energy-draining, focus-numbing worry. You hate him because you love him so much yet you’re helpless when he’s in need. It makes you feel like you’re never good enough. Never sufficient. Then somehow you blame yourself for not being good enough. Especially after everything he’s done for you. And then you’re angry because suddenly it feels like he demands something out of you, even though he doesn’t exactly say so. And you’re torn between maintaining the affection or ignorance. Because you want to do both, even though both disgust you equally.

Ever since I was little, I’ve always known I’m the odd one. I’ve never found a supporting system at home, so I got out. And I’ve been trying to cut ties to no avail. Because I don’t have the courage to.

Today I feel like something’s about to happen, and when it does, I don’t know if my anger will still be bigger than my sadness and guilty feeling for cutting everyone out.

Somehow I still feel like whatever happens, I’m the one to blame.

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I can’t get what she said out of my head, about my expectation that would always be too high, because being an in-house lawyer means you’re in the supporting system. You’re not the revenue generator, there’s no room for you to contribute more by default. And it shocked me. I guess deep down inside I’ve always known it. But no one has ever said it to my face, so I still kept a little bit of hope. Now that hope is gone.

I should have seen it coming. The signs have always been there. Have I really been that naive?

Now here I am sitting a lousy job with a degree that wouldn’t get me somewhere I want to go. I feel like I’ve been wasting a lot of years for nothing. I need to do something asap if I want that financial freedom I’ve been planning to get. I feel like I can’t breathe.

The light’s been playing trick to my eyes since morning, it feels like I’m blind on the right side. It’s 11 in the morning and the traffic is unbelievable. Everything is wrong wrong wrong.

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I haven’t been sleeping sound. I’ve been very sensitive to smells and everything smells really bad, I want to drown in disinfectant. Everything smells so bad, I’ve lost my appetite. Even food smells revolting. I’m mad at a lot of things. My job, my degree, my (in)experience, I’m mad at a lot of things, including him, and you, and them. I think the idea of god is stupid and I don’t want to go out. I only want to stay in bed and watch pirated TV series all day long. I want to feel fine.

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