disgusted

Don’t Change For Me

Don't change for me. Change for yourself. It's not because I care about you. I'm protecting myself. I don't want you to hold me accountable for your own choices. Especially when I haven't asked you to change. I don't want you to change things about you because you think I want you to. You'll only resent me for it sooner or later. Change yourself because you want to. Don't change for me.

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You Are Mine

“Everyone has their obsession
Consuming thoughts, consuming time
They hold high their prized possession
It defines the meaning of their life
You are mine.
You are mine.
You are mine, all mine.
You are mine.
You are mine.
You are mine.
You are mine, all mine.
You are mine.
There are objects of affection that can mesmerise the soul
There’s always one addiction that just cannot be controlled
You are mine.
You are mine.
You are mine, all mine.
You are mine.
You are mine.
You are mine.
You are mine, all mine.
You are mine.
You are mine.
You are mine.
You are mine, all mine.
You are mine.
You are mine.
You are mine.
You are mine, all mine.
You are mine.
YOU ARE MINE.
YOU ARE MINE.
YOU ARE MINE.
YOU ARE MINE.
You are.
You are.
You are.”
You Are Mine by Mutemath

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Day #5: Him

Today’s episode of Laskar Pelangi the series is one of my two favourites by far. There were two situations in it, Akiong’s and Ikal’s. Different, and yet similar. Akiong’s father forbid Akiong from going to school in order to have more hands in work, so that they could pay this family debt. The sad truth was Akiong still wanted to go to school so bad. In the end, he realized the urgency of paying the debt, and he agreed to forget school and help his father.

As for Ikal, he wanted a new badminton racket for this championship. He wanted to ask his father to buy it for him, but he didn’t know how to, because he knew how low his father’s wage was working as a coolie in a tin mine. What he didn’t know was, his father actually took an extra job to earn money for his new racket, even though he was sick. Ikal ended taking all of his savings to buy the racket. However, the money wasn’t enough. Knowing such thing, Ikal’s father gave his son whatever money he got left, and they bought the new racket together. Then Ikal’s father fell sick for real. Feeling guilty, Ikal sold his new racket, and returned the money to his father, which the latter refused.

I cried my eyes out the whole episode.

He may not be the central figure in the live of a children, but from the above scenarios, his presence are still crucial. No matter how much you disagree with him, there will always be a part of you that understands and wants to help. That wants to be there for him. That wants to take his pain away. And if there’s one thing I learn from this particular episode, is that it hurts more when you care.

Chase told House that if you have no expectations, there will be no room for pain. Ever since high school, especially after I left it, I built a wall and froze the living thing inside my chest so that it wouldn’t have to care anymore. I want to, but it will hurt every time. Every time. Even watching the episode above hurt. I want to do something about him, but I don’t know what, and it’s been years I felt like that it would hurt less if I just stopped caring.

And I did.

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Excitement Leads to Expectation

So the date was nice. He was being the typical gentleman. He paid for the food, the movie tickets, he carried my stuff for me, and he also took me home. It was just something had been bugging me since the day he texted me out of the blue. There was something in the way he wrote between the lines that was all too familiar. I was kind of hoping that it was just me being a pessimist. I swear all through the night my heart was beating like crazy. And later at night, when I feared would happen really happened, I began to think if the crazy, rapid beating of my heart was because I was excited, or was I anticipating? It was nice while it lasted. However, when the clock struck midnight, I thought to myself that this wasn’t what I wanted.

Where have all the innocent dates gone? What happened to taking it easy? What happened to all the dangerous flirting and bashful glances? Whatever happened to getting to know each other? In the end, all men want the same thing. I guess I kind of expected him to be different.

I… can’t really talk about how I feel, because… I kind of have a mixed feeling on it, and… it’s just too personal I guess. The point is, it was nice. Yesterday was nice. However, it wasn’t what I wanted. I’ve decided not to pursue it anymore.

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To Envy Others

Things have been quite hectic in TwELFs with Super Junior coming to Indonesia and all. During times like this, it has become a silent policy between TwELFs admins to search “twelfs” on Twitter to find out people’s opinions. I just did a quick search a few hours ago, and I found something….. quite surprising.

A couple of Twitter users were talking about me. Lol

I remember one of the tweet was something along “I know her. Law student in University of Indonesia, batch 2007, rich girl, a Minho pervert, I think she’s one of the TwELFs kid.” Now I’m not going to deny all of them, because she tweeted facts. However, I couldn’t stop staring at the word ‘rich girl’. I don’t know if she meant it in a degrading way or something, but she must mean something by saying that.

My first reaction was to get angry. So what if I was rich? The truth is, I’m not. I worked my ass off day and night so I could afford this bloody expensive fandom. I never asked for money, because I know none of my family would want to give me that kind of money. But I made it through. My hard work paid off, and my fandom desires are fulfilled alright. That’s when I realized something.

Do I brag too much? If I do, is it wrong to brag about my hard work? I know I’m justifying myself here, but please. I really need to get this out of my chest. In the end, her tweets made me reflect on myself and what kind of impression I gave on people. Then I also realized that I should not be mad at her, because truthfully, I’m just like her. I talk shit too behind people’s back, and it’ll only be about time they find out that I do. Lol

Regarding this tweet incident, my friends consoled me by saying that she just envied me, because I got to meet these idols a few times. To be honest, I’m sad. Why would she envy me about that? And when I think more about it, I have my own envy too. I envy my friends who have someone beside them. I envy my friends with a whole family. I envy my friends who already graduated from school. I envy my friends who have gone traveling around the world. If she envies me so much for being able to meet idols several times, I really want to tell her that I would give all of those opportunities in exchange for what I want.

I will settle for not meeting Super Junior, SHINee, even Minho, if in return I will forever be whole in my mind, body, soul, heart, and life.

Dear, my stalker, do you still envy me now?

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