ashamed

The Returnees

I expected neither of them to come back. Their coming back only cemented the statistic that they always return at one point. Except for one. And sometimes I wonder what we would have become, have tried, have gained, and have lost if that one returned, even if it was only for a while. Why do they always come back? Do I look that welcoming to them? I guess that says a lot about me, something that I’m reluctant to admit.

In February, he came back and we spent the night a la Before Sunrise. When it happened, of course I didn’t know that we were living a Linklater. It’s when he disappeared without a trace my hands started to look for him. Shame, embarrassment, disappointment, hope were only some of the things I was feeling as I looked for him. I thought of a hundred ways I could go through just to obtain an answer. I finally chose one and I called him. He hung up. Well, this is it then. No answer is an answer, I get it.

Recently, another one has risen from the dead. We had our brief catch up, something I didn’t expect considering his situation. I don’t want to think too far ahead, but I can’t help imagining it. Explaining what I feel for him is a conundrum unto itself. There’s a thousand reasons I can tell you why I feel this way for you, but at the same time, those thousand of reasons won’t do it justice, because what I’m feeling is more. And I feel like shaking myself hard, yelling, “Open your fucking eyes! Let it go already!” Because there has been no news until today. I was foolish to think I could handle it with a nonchalance. Well, I haven’t been overly emotional until today, so that’s a start.

Since the situation calls for it, I’ve dug up an old playlist I created when I thought of you. I’ve been listening to it over and over again the past few days. By the time I get bored of that one particular song, I hope I’ll also get bored of you.

Are you gonna hide? Are you gonna burn? Are you gonna answer me? Let me take your heart, love you in the dark. No one has to see. I want more. I want more. I want more. I want more. You seek yourself in another way. I try my best but I don’t ever change. I love to watch your body lie. It makes me feel better, makes me satisfied. You could bring it back. Who wouldn’t want it when he looks like that? I want you to stay. And if I try my hardest, would you look my way? I want to leave this curse. I don’t want to feel worse.
– “Memo” by Years and Years

They say you write best when you write about something you’re ashamed of. And this is my deciding not to put this post on private.

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I’m currently reading Jennifer Niven’s “All the Bright Places”. It’s about Theo and Violet. Theo is clinically depressed, while Violet is sad. Both met each other as they were thinking about jumping off the bell tower.

My mind is set on Theo and his brain running marathon. So this is what a depression looks like, the one where your brain is actually sick. It’s not as romantic as the existentialists think it is. Then there’s Violet with her broken heart. And then I think of you.

You were crying on the phone today. It only tugged at my heartstrings hours later. You are so sad. Unfortunately for us, it’s easier to love you when you’re away.

Have you stopped crying? Are you alright? What are you thinking? Is your mind empty? Does your head feel heavy? Are you going to cry some more?

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There was a time when I was really hurting. The best thing about it was I knew I was in pain. The pain drove me forward. Then came happiness. And I felt numb. I was driving and now I stopped. It was the worst because I missed the pain. That’s when I knew I had to make a lot of effort to move forward.

I think I’ve been doing a pretty good job of keeping myself together. My main motivation is I don’t want to become like him. But it’s when I hear sad songs I’m reminded of how easy it is for me to crumble down. What if I’ve been torn apart, piece by piece, and I don’t even know it?

I fear being sick so I tell myself everything is alright. Even though it’s a habit to think of a hundred conventional ways to snuff out the candle.

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Have you ever loved someone so much you hate him? You hate him because you worry all the time. You hate him for putting you through all this time-consuming, energy-draining, focus-numbing worry. You hate him because you love him so much yet you’re helpless when he’s in need. It makes you feel like you’re never good enough. Never sufficient. Then somehow you blame yourself for not being good enough. Especially after everything he’s done for you. And then you’re angry because suddenly it feels like he demands something out of you, even though he doesn’t exactly say so. And you’re torn between maintaining the affection or ignorance. Because you want to do both, even though both disgust you equally.

Ever since I was little, I’ve always known I’m the odd one. I’ve never found a supporting system at home, so I got out. And I’ve been trying to cut ties to no avail. Because I don’t have the courage to.

Today I feel like something’s about to happen, and when it does, I don’t know if my anger will still be bigger than my sadness and guilty feeling for cutting everyone out.

Somehow I still feel like whatever happens, I’m the one to blame.

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I Got Robbed: The Aftermath

I got robbed last week. I lost my purse, my phone, a pair of golden earrings, my identity cards, my bank cards, some money, and irreplaceable pictures I kept in my new purse. I tried calling my phone to tell the robber that he could have everything, but please give me back my identity cards. Sometimes he answered, sometimes he didn’t. I just kept calling the phone to annoy the fuck out of him. I think he had no idea how to turn off or operate the smartphone LOL

After the incident, I immediately called all my banks and asked them to block my debit cards and mobile banking features. Fortunately, I didn’t have my credit card yet. Then Dita took me to the police station, where I reported the robbery. They wrote me a statement of loss that I could use to apply for documents re-issuance.

Dad bought me a new phone the next day, a slightly better phone than my lost one. Thus, I’m willing to see this misfortune as a blessing in disguise. I only got to deal with my cellphone provider on Monday due to the Eid Mubarak holiday. I went to an XL center in Mega Kuningan and it took me less than 15 minutes to have my old number back. I lost all the data on my SIM card but that’s ok, cos nowadays I stored all my data in Google’s clouds. So even though I lost my phone, all my data is safe. Use Android everyone. It saves lives and relieves stress.

Then I dealt with the banks. I’m a customer of three banks. Let’s call them the Asian Bank, the Indonesian Bank, and the Independent Bank. I went to the Asian Bank first. They told me that I should settle this matter in the branch I opened an account in, but I told them I didn’t have the time to go there. They called the particular branch and informed me that I could settle it here, but I’d have to wait for a day for administration. I said ok. It was painless, man.

Next, I went to the Indonesian Bank. They had the same policy as the precious bank, I had to deal with it in the initial branch I opened my account in. I told them I couldn’t go, but hey, they told me to go there anyway. They wouldn’t (or didn’t want to?) call the branch, because they said it was their policy. And since I lost my bank book, I’d have to close my account and open a new account. I said fine, I’d do that. I gave them my passport for administration. Another problem arose. My passport contained my Palembang address, and they said that I should open an account in Palembang in accordance to my address. I swear to God, they’re not being helpful at all. Since there was no way I could fly all the way to Palembang to deal with it, they finally opted for a statement letter from my office, stating that I worked in Jakarta. Then they’d open a new account for me and transferred all my fund from the old account. -_-

Lastly, the Independent Bank. Same policy. I had to settle in the initial bank branch. At this point, I got mad. I told them that the Asian Bank could settle my problem without me having to go to the initial branch, why couldn’t you? I’ve been a customer in this bank for years. I had all my documents with me, what more do you need from me to prove my identity? Should I bring my birth certificate? They ended up calling the bank branch, and the branch confirmed that Jakarta branch may re-issue my bank book and card. Deep inside, I considered to close my bank accounts in the Indonesian Bank and the Independent Bank, just because their customer service sucked. I’m calm now. I’m not gonna close my accounts, but I’ve lost confidence in them to be honest. I mentioned my intention to open a new account in Jakarta to avoid the same problem in the future, but they said I couldn’t cos I didn’t have my citizen ID yet. They wouldn’t accept my passport. Fine.

Now, I still have to deal with my citizen ID, driving license, and taxpayer number cards. I actually had everything scanned already, so I think I’m good for the temporary moment I’m being an illegal citizen hahaha The government is taking their time, as usual. All in all, I think I moved on pretty quickly from my misfortune, but I hope this will never happen again. I feel so naked without all my legal documents.

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