About utiuts


I'm the voice that you wish were yours.

Posts by utiuts:

160102 Super Junior KRY’s “Phonograph” in Jakarta

I gotta say it. This is the best SM concert I’ve ever seen. The size of the concert is modest for Super Junior’s standard. The stage was quite small. The audience was close to the stage. Mecimapro has built a good, high, and neat tribune, better than their previous concerts.

The concert concept was also simple. SJ KRY falling in love, getting their heart broken, and found solace in vynils on phonographs. In the beginning it was such a melancholia, Korean drama style, so much screaming from secondhand embarrassment coming out of me. But in the end, the overall was good.

The stage design is VERY romantic. There were floating lights, creating all kinds of shapes and constellation. The backdrops were romantic as well. Stars, aurora, smoke, lighthouse, flying petals, waterfall. There was some beautiful mapping projected on KRY’s pedestals. It was a really great visual. Then the lighting during Heartquake omg the lights created this stop motion effect on KRY, it was almost trippy. At the end of the concert, KRY disappeared down the stage, and a phonograph replaced them. Beauuuutiful.

And the whole 2,5-hour concert was live! With a live band! There was more music than fanservice. I love it because it wasn’t strictly choreographed and KRY were just focused on singing. The result was adlibs galore. There was even live string performance for one of their songs! I’m sorry they didn’t do anything special with their arrangement though. They could have done anything.

I mostly know KRY’s old songs, but they sang my favorites ❤️ Han Sarammaneul, Heartquake, and For U. I wished they’d sing Zephyr of the West Wind :( But KRY and Leeteuk sang Our Love! Favorite fanchant ever ❤️❤️❤️❤️ that song and the fanchant always created an intimacy between SJ and ELF, even when only four members were singing it. Too bad they didn’t sing Sorry Sorry.

Leeteuk sang solo. I was too distracted by his flawless skin to notice the song. He was hitting these high notes, his neck turned red, but his face stayed perfectly flawless and white. LOL I’d like to know what BB Cream they put on him. He also wore this pretty sequin (?) jacket, the others kept making jokes about how bright he looked today. But I want that jacket! It’s perfect! And of course, with Leeteuk there, he immediately became the MC and clown of the show. The four of them goofed around the way they always did and we had so much laughter. 😂 They all tried their best to speak Indonesian, especially Ryeowook! He even wrote this long letter for us in Indonesian! And he was almost accentless! He was basically saying goodbye before enlisting for the army. Then he sang Noah’s “Separuh Aku” and Bebi Romeo’s “Bunga Terakhir”. Ryeowook was so cute omg I want to put him in my pocket! Yesung who?

Look at this family picture ❤️

And now, other aspects of the concert. The crowd control was great! They hired different FOH from Big Bang’s concert, and this one was much stricter. You really cannot joke around with them. They checked your everything and they told you a firm no when you’re not allowed to do something. They actually called on people using pro cameras. Unfortunately, there was no policy on smartphones, so it was quite annoying when people raised their arms high to record the show. But the most curious thing was, ELF was being orderly. I honestly expected them to stand on their seats, but they didn’t. The ones who did stand up was quickly reprimanded by the security. The queueing lines were neat too. There was no bottleneck among the lines for tickets, merchandise, and entrance. I wonder if Mecimapro can keep this up for their next bigger concerts. Despite what happened in Big Bang’s concert, it was obvious Mecimapro has learned from their mistakes, because so far their last two concerts were orderly. But I admit they were small concerts.
I think this concert was a success. Minimum disaster too. There was some issues from us, FanTix, but we dealt and learned from it. I’m still sorry to those people at the end of our issue, we really are. We have a lot of homework for the next concert in order to make sure our mistakes don’t happen again. As for the rest, well, ELF are still demanding as always. I have learned to ignore their unnecessary requests. ✌️

See you at the next concert!

FanTix signing off!

Share Button

This Room

Technically, I don’t have a home. This room I sleep in, this 70m3 unit I lounge in, is rented space. When the lease ends, there will be no bed for me to sleep in, not one that I can call mine anyway. I have to find a new room to rent, or mom has to knock down some walls at her house and build a room for me.

Technically, I have never had my own room. I used to share a room with my sister. When I lived with my aunt, I slept in my late grandma’s room. There was also a time in high school I deliberately moved to the tiny attic at our rented house, just so I could have a room for myself. Then there was the time I left home and had an empty room at this failing hotel to myself save for a bed, a desk, and a TV. Was there a closet? I can’t remember.

Of course, afterwards, I moved from kos-kosan to kos-kosan until I could afford to rent an apartment. But that’s the thing. None of these rooms I’d stayed in over the years were rooms I could call mine. They were all rented space. I have a right to the area for a period of time, and when the time’s up, it’s not a destination I can go home to anymore.

Everytime I see people’s homes, or hear people saying they’re going home, I always wonder what their rooms look like. How many hours in a day do they stay there? What kind of stuff they keep there? If one day I go bankrupt and get evicted, is there somewhere I can go home to without invading anyone’s space? Will I have a bed for myself? If one day I have a fight with my husband, will I be able to go home to my parents’, to their already full houses?

I think about this sometimes. It’s mainly my motivation to start that KPR on houses or apartments. Just so I can have a permanent place to go home to. I have a lot of books, they certainly need to go somewhere. A place where the door is mine to lock up when I don’t feel like meeting anyone. Somewhere to bury my time capsule.

Share Button

151126 Fiction

I have finished washing the dishes, mopping the floor, and hanging the laundry to dry, but he’s still stuck in front of his laptop, watching Star Trek and whatnot. After the stroke, he’s forgot everything, lost the ability to talk–to do everything–really, but he still occasionally laughs at Two and A Half Man. Those shows are the only thing that makes him alive these days and I don’t have the heart to take it away from him, even though I need the laptop for school. I guess I can manage.

Once my morning chore is complete, I leave the house after I make sure the food is somewhere he can see and easily reach. I take my usual route to campus, where I meet this old woman who looks so helpless, I carry her groceries for her. She insists I stay for tea, but I’m almost late for class.

“Surely you can’t leave empty handed,” she says.

“I’m fine. Please don’t think about it.”

The senior lady smiles like she knows something I don’t.

“Who are you to tell me what I should or shouldn’t think about.”

“I’m sorry. But it’ll make life easier, won’t it? Knowing what others think?” I say, picturing him alone at home. I can’t remember the last time we had a meaningful conversation with each other.

Next thing I know, the woman takes my head between her hands and bestows me her gratitude. She says I can read minds now.

“I’m really late for class,” I say. I take off before she makes me stay with more nonsense.

I get to class in time. The room is louder than usual. Everyone fusses over the 10-page essay due today. I slide easily into an empty seat beside this boy I’ve been smiling at for the past semester. He’s cute, but not always the most diligent when it comes to assignments. He’s furiously typing down words on his MacBook Air. I give him some pointers so he’ll finish his essay before the class starts. His smile always brightens up my morning.

“Thank you,” I tell him.

“For what?”

“For calling me smart.”

He stops typing and frowns at me. “I didn’t say anything.”

I roll my eyes and turn my attention the lecturer.

“He has a bad case of hangover,” I tell him, pointing at the lecturer.

“How do you know?”

That’s a good question. I thought I heard the lecturer screaming for Panadol and wanting to throw up. A new thought pops in my head.

“Are you hungry?” I ask him again. “You’re thinking about spaghetti.”

He stops typing entirely.

“How the hell did you know that?”

Amused, I concentrate on the lecturer again. He’s silently collecting our essays on his desk, thinking about getting home early. I can hear his thought loud and clear as if he’s talking in my ear.

“Pick a number. Any numbers. Don’t tell me,” I say, trying my newfound talent once again. He looks at me like I’ve grown a third eye. “One thousand three hundred fifty seven.”

“No way!” he shrieks, essay forgotten.

That grandma wasn’t kidding. I focus on my classmates and I realize that the noise I’ve been hearing is all in my head. I easily eavesdrop on their inner monologue and I’m not sure whether I should be excited or overwhelmed.

“That guy is thinking of skipping class. She wants a new lipstick. Those couple are cheating on each other and don’t know exactly how to break up.”

“That’s too much information.”

I think so too.

“Can you hear my thought?” I ask, mentally yelling at him that I want to jump him right here, right now. He shakes his head. Looks like this only works one way.

I fidget through the whole class. I’ve decided to go home immediately after this. I don’t even know what topic we’re discussing right now, because I can’t help getting into my friends’ heads. The same thing happens on my way home. I find strangers silently complaining at life and planning affairs. Fascinated at the fact that my thoughts are safe in my head but theirs aren’t.

“Dad, I’m home!” I announce. He’s still in bed, watching an episode of Star Trek he’s watched many times before. His cracked lips are frozen in a smile. I hug him and ask him what he wants for lunch today. I can get him exactly what he wants.

“Do you want to go somewhere?” I try a new strategy. I hear nothing. “Dad?”

His attention is back to the laptop and I’m not sure he heard me. I focus harder on him but this time I hear nothing. Maybe I’m not doing this right.

“Can you hear me?”

Nothing. I turn him around and looks straight into his eyes, desperately attempting to figure out what he’s thinking about. I can’t even be certain he’s looking back at me.

“Do you know who I am?”

He leaves my gaze and returns to the Voyager. A sudden wave of hopelessness hits over me. I have expected so much out of this. Why should his mind be any different to the others? Is he even aware of my presence?

I call him again but his eyes are glued to the screen. It takes all the patience in me not to hurl the fucking laptop out of the window. He looks so peaceful and I’d give anything just to hear him say my name, even if it’s only in his head.

Feeling defeated, I feed him lunch. Not once he glances at me. And there’s so many things I want to ask him. Does he remember mom? Does he remember our late night X-Files marathon? Does he miss me like I miss him?

I collect his utensils and start my way to the sink when he makes that grunt he usually does to catch my attention. The laptop is closed and he weakly pushes the gadget towards me.

For you, he thinks.

Share Button


I just finished rereading Fruits Basket. It took 3 readings to finally understand Tohru’s character. She has a huge empathy. And it’s the key trait that leads to the resolution of the story. She cries easily for other people’s pain, and for that they love her.

Sympathy comes easy for me. Empathy is another story. I can’t recall if I’ve ever cried for someone else other than sob stories I read or watch. Then again, I suspect I merely cry vicariously through those stories. I’m a self-centered bitch and I only cry for my own misery.

I wondered if anyone ever cried for me. Then I remembered. Someone did.

We were in junior high. We used to be in the same classes. She was a good friend. I guess we were close. I told her about how I was raised by a step-mother, and that I didn’t know who my biological mother was. Suddenly she cried. Out of nowhere, tears came streaming down her sharp cheekbones and I was stunned. Why did she cry? I wasn’t looking for pity. I was just sharing. And she said she never thought such family drama would exist for real, because her family was happy, and so she cried.

Looking back at it, I’m not entirely sure if she was crying for me, but I was touched. It was such an unexpected reaction. I didn’t think I’d ever have a friend like that. She may not know it, but she gave me faith that there are good people in life. It’s a small thing to do, but she gave me faith in humanity. I treasured her for caring so much for me.

As time went by, we drifted apart, like most of us do. But she remembered me when she was getting married. I was one of the bridesmaids. Now she’s a happy mother of two.

We may not be close friends the way we used to be, but thank you. Thank you, Z.

Share Button


I want to write a book. I’m going to call it A Month of Being in Love, Another Month of Moving On. I didn’t expect knowing yourself would yield this kind of result. Nowadays I make decisions faster than ever. That’s how certain I am of myself.

It didn’t take long to conclude that I was in love. It took even less time to accept that he broke my heart, he’s not coming back, and I can do better. Hanging out and talking with other people helped a lot in this case. Perspective: the quickest way to carry on. I don’t even feel like I have to pick up the pieces of my heart anymore. There’s nothing to sweep off the floor. I tried. I failed. And it’s ok. If only I was this sure of myself all those years ago, high school would have been much easier.

When I remember how swamped I am at work, it feels petty to think of relationships. But the truth is, my career is fine. I’m already heading to where I want to be. I’m on the right track and I know I’ll get there. But as my roommate says it’s unfortunate that I don’t have the same conviction when it comes to relationships. I tend to think I’ll never be good enough.

It’s time to break the cycle. Thanks for making me see that.

Share Button