I feel like there are cracks all over myself.
I’m afraid if I make a move, I will break apart.
So I stay still.
Even then fragments of myself slide away from me.
I take a breath, calm myself.
Inch by inch I attempt to retrieve the pieces.
But which bits do I save first?
Some I rescue, others are too far away.
What do I do? How do I put myself back together?
Should I glue it tight?
Nail it shut?
Maybe I’ll tie it up and pretend I’m a gift.
Silently praying my body knows how to heal by itself.
Maybe one day I’ll find a way to function without these ropes anymore.
Maybe then I’d have found a way to patch up the missing parts
Or grow myself anew.
But even if I fail,
Would you mind if I’m not whole?
-23 February 2017
I was trying to paint a picture of my anxiety. When I wrote it, I meant it for a friend to illustrate it into a short comic, but we never got to do it.
I still feel this way from time to time. I don’t think it ever goes away.
– Let me snooze for a couple of more hours.
– I don’t want to wake up.
– I want to go to sleep and never wake up again.
– I don’t want to die, but life is not particularly fun right now.
– Why am I so sleepy?
– Ah, I think I took my pill too early yesterday, so now it’s kicking in full force at 10 in the morning.
– God damn it, how am I going to stay awake for this meeting?
– If I eat less, maybe I’ll be thin. If I’m thin, maybe I’ll be pretty. If I’m pretty, maybe I’ll have a relationship. If I have a relationship, maybe I’ll feel less alone.
– Fuck my brain.
– Should I go to the gym so I’ll be hot?
– I knew you’d retweet that. Fuck you.
– Oh God I can’t feel anything, I want to go off meds.
– I don’t have time to do anything for myself this week. Fuck everyone.
– I want to put on a face mask and go to sleep.
– Oh look, found my favorite band when I was a kid.
– Wow, this band sucks. In my memory, they were good.
– Their B-side is much better.
– If I tell you what I really think, would you think less of me?
– My uterus is bleeding.
– My heart is bleeding.
– My everything is bleeding.
– I want to drown in my bed and rise out of it when everybody’s forgotten about me.
– I need help.
– I want you to help me.
– Fuck you.
– I’m sorry. I take back what I said. Then maybe we could have been laughing together instead of suffering separately like this.
– Please don’t die.
– I miss you. Very much.
– Please hold me.
– Can I text you like nothing’s ever happened?
I took a hard look at my finances when I decided to quit the law firm I worked at in 2016. I had one goal at the time: to save money because I expected no income for a while once I quit. Hence, major financial restructuring happened.
I have always tracked my spending, but nothing more. I recorded how much I spent, but I didn’t analyze it. Too much work for me. But then I found YNAB and it made everything easier. The app does most of the heavy job for you, but you still have to be disciplined. You must input every transaction you make to keep your budget up to date. Then you have to actually review your budget posts. Do you really need all of them or not? It took me the whole year of 2016 to start and maintain the habit.
In 2017, after having almost no income for a few months, I must admit that my saving was draining faster than I anticipated. I was more comfortable and familiar with budgeting then, and I was also armed with some knowledge on financial forecast from my years of running a business. For the first time in my life, I made a personal financial forecast. From a single sheet of paper, I could predict when I would lose all my money entirely. It helped me to decide when to look for a new job.
Now I’m entering my third year of attempting to be financially responsible. If I have to sum it up, the biggest financial takeaway from 2016 was budgeting is not scary at all. If I had done it sooner, I’d probably have a property right now. Takeaway from 2017: Uti, you always spend more than you earn. Now this, this is what makes me feel like an irresponsible adult.
I do have this money. It’s very valuable. But I don’t think I can use it to pay anything other than some fangirl love.
Analyzing my income vs expense report, in 2016 I had a deficit of 4%. Not a lot, but still a deficit. In 2017, I did earn more than I spent, but only by 1.9%. That’s hardly something to be proud of. Especially considering I had to liquidize some investment to get there. My 2018 forecast shows that I’ll have a deficit of 1.5% if I don’t find another stream of income this year. It goes without saying that I should still maintain the belt tightening as well to get that target surplus.
The second issue I’m tackling is I don’t have a financial buffer. If all goes to hell tomorrow and I find myself with no job, I wouldn’t survive the upcoming quarter. I can stay afloat for a bit further if I liquidize my investment, but it’s still not much. So now I’m working on that buffer. The first goal is to have a 4-month buffer. The next would be 12 months.
It’s hard to admit your shortcomings about money, because you fear you’ll sound like a failure. I know I do. I’m almost 30 and I’m barely making it, financially speaking. What have I been doing? I didn’t expect it would take me years to create this new financial habit and mindset. Sometimes I’m scared that I’m too late, that at this rate, I’d never be able to afford a house. I do want one.
Nevertheless, I’m starting slow. It’s liberating to know that you’re in control of your money, not the other way around. My goals are realistic: earn more than I spend and have a buffer. My roommate said I’m growing up too fast. LOL
By the way, if you want to check out YNAB, you can use my referral link. We’ll both get a month free. You won’t regret it. I wouldn’t be able to do this without YNAB.
I’m grateful for writing in 2017, and I’d like to write more in 2018. I have been writing as far as I can remember, but the act still has a lot to show and teach me about myself. The despair in thinking that you’re not good enough, the discipline in finishing a project, the satisfaction in finishing that project, the exasperation of editing. I didn’t know that I could be that depressed or accomplished as a person.
My biggest writing achievement of 2017 was my musical. I’ve been writing it for many years. I finished the first draft, written and composed, last October. This project has become more than a creative project. It’s an ambition, a dream, and most of all: a consolation.
In the beginning of a 2017, I ended a relationship. As one does in the aftermath of a breakup, I looked for a distraction, so I could stop crying for a bit. But a lot of things reminded me of him. Except my musical. My musical reminds me of no one but me. It wasn’t inspired by anyone, nor is it written for anyone. It’s an embodiment of how I have grown and am still growing as a writer. More than a writer, but an artist, because I compose the music too.
Even if I don’t get to release the musical, it is still a personal and creative milestone that I finally reach after decades. And I can’t wait to arrive at future milestones.
I’m starting 2018 pretty good. My short story will be published this week. It’ll be my first professional fiction publication, so yes, that’s a milestone. I have never published anything professionally before! What have I been doing?
Watch this space! Click on the image for more info ;)
Das Sollen is also still waiting to be completed. The whole team is working on publishing it this semester. I spent a couple of months last year isolating myself in my writing cave to finish the treatment. The end result was an 11,000-word document. And I saw. I could do this.
When Das Sollen is done, I have at least a couple of writing projects on queue. Outside of the musical, I want to try my hands on film screenplay and novel. I have never finished a novel in my life. It’s such a daunting task for me. But if I could write 11,000 words in two months, I should be able to write 50,000 in a year.
So I have set up a writing tracker on my journal. The aim is to motivate me to write every day. It’s not about how many words I write, but about being consistent. Make it as constant as breathing. Bragging in my writing group helps too, because I finish something and they don’t haha
I have to admit, I don’t know much about orangutans. And they’re native Indonesians! I’d always known that they’re in danger because of trafficking and their home is getting smaller and smaller as we cut and burn more forest. But how many of us know this? This is the exact issue that NaoBun Project is trying to tell us and more.
NaoBun Project, working with TRI Handkerchiefs, has published a comic series entitled Primate Peril in Ciayo Comics. The comic sports Neo, an orphan orangutan surviving in a burning forest. Not only humans, he also has to face future apes who go back in time to chase men away from the jungle. I’m proud to tell you that my friends make this comic. Bonni writes and Nin illustrates, and they’ve done a great job.
The comic is easy to digest. You can definitely recommend it to your kids, nieces, or nephews. In a simple manner, Bonni has highlighted our environmental issues and how orangutans are supposed to live. The trivia at the end of each chapter is insightful too.
Despite meaning it to be easy, Bonni doesn’t shy away from tackling the complicated stuff like morals. The apes do discuss the best way to punish men who damage their home, and that particular chapter is an interesting one to read. I like the solution they come up with.
I’m personally a collector of Nin’s art and I hope Primate Peril will be printed one day. In Primate Peril’s launching, Nin said it was difficult for her to draw animals, so she had to practice a lot. Now look at what she has made! These fluffy animals (except Kantan, he’s so bara) would make such cute dolls.
A lot needs to be done to save our forest. Early in my career, I was actively working towards it. But it was difficult. It will take a lot of team effort, and I don’t know how long we’ll have to do it. We can contribute our time, money, and energy; or at the very least we can educate ourselves. Thank you, Primate Peril, for giving us a cute starting point.